


Horrifically Beautiful

by Phosenixgirl



Category: Kpop - Fandom, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jisung needs a hug, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Thinspo, Underage - Freeform, Update as I go, but also maybe not haven't decided, maybe drinking idk, minsung - Freeform, prob lots more, slowburn, thought minsung was more popular than this, underage is just jeongin cuz idk korean laws
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-01-16 15:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18524350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phosenixgirl/pseuds/Phosenixgirl
Summary: The idol world is harsh, much harsher then it needs to be. Hwang Hyunjin along with many others have already been crushed under the heavy eyes of the public, will Han Jisung follow in those dangerous footsteps? Or will his 'best friend' Minho be able to save him?





	1. Before I Could Stop It

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys first off I just wanted to say that this is all fiction and also lowkey inspired by that idol room episode where they said Jisung and Hyunjin ate the least, even though I know it definitely isn't anywhere close to this extreme. Also, I kept accidentally switching between first and third person, I tried to fix it in editing but I'm sorry if I missed some. If there's anything I can do to make this story better or anything you would like to see in the plot PLEASE let me know, I run out of ideas so fast it's crazy, so any and all comments are greatly appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

The idol world has never been kind to me, it has tossed me around, chewed me up, spit me out, stomped on me, and repeated thousands of times over. People from all over the world, including my boss, our manager, and my dearest friends have told me to try harder, be better, maybe lose some weight, gain some muscle, put some more time in at the studio, all of these words of wisdom, spoken to help me be better, being hurled at me on a daily basis. It didn’t do nice things to my mental state. 

Still, I can’t try to pretend I have it the worst, or anywhere near that. Our leader Chan rarely gets more than two hours a night of sleep, and most of that sleep takes place in the studio. One of the youngest rappers Hyunjin, he’s constantly told he’s nothing more than a pretty face, even by some people that should know better, the hours we’ve spent trying to convince him he’s useful and worthy to be in the group are unparalleled, and most times all for naught. Now, of course I can’t forget my best friend, god it hurts to call him that, especially him, the one and only, Minho. Before we had even debuted his spot in the group was being threatened, him and Felix, eliminated just to be brought back. Their pain was pointless. He still has nights when he just can’t take it, and crawls into my room, lays in my bed, and just cries, and tells me about how big a failure he thinks he is, how he just wants to do his best for his parents, and the people around him that have worked so hard for this opportunity. I just have to sit there holding him, listening, letting him know that no one in our dorm has questioned his presence there for even a second, trying so desperately to show him that he’s loved. I’m not sure if it works.

 

The mornings have always been the hardest for everyone in our cramped dorm, most of us having barely slept the night before, if at all. There was no time for selfishness in the morning, no time to go to someone older, or someone you trust, and just let them know how awful you feel inside, how I would rather rip my own insides out then eat the english muffin they had saved for me after a long night of surfing the web to find fan pages of myself, most of which outlined just how broad I seemed to look while standing next to the other members.

 

‘Wow Han-ie sure has gotten wide kekekeke’

‘Sure has, I guess that means he’s eating well!’

‘Or that he’s been a pig lately, none of the other members look like him’

‘Don’t be mean @xxxxxxxxx, he carries the weight well’

‘Still, it must be hard to dance like that!’

 

I laid my head in my arms as the pages came flooding back, I didn’t want to think of them anymore. That didn’t stop me from wondering if they were right though, I suppose I have been eating a bit more than normal recently, I had just attributed it to us coming back soon and me needing a lot of energy. Perhaps these fan pages were right though, they were fans after all, they just wanted the best for me, right? A terrible thought came barreling into my mind before I could stop it.

‘Was I disappointing my fans by looking like this?’

 

A shiver went up my spine as a large weight crashed down on my back. Soft hair tickled my cheeks. The cheeks that everyone liked to comment about. Round is the word they used. Synonymous for fat. 

“Why aren’t you eating Jisung-ie?” The soft, airy voice of Minho lilted through my ears and a smile perked on my lips before a crumbly disk of bread was shoved toward my teeth, the thought of taking a bite and adding to the broadness people had no trouble mentioning made my stomach roll and convulse.

The dark eyebrows of the boy still slewn over my back furrowed down over his brow as he pulled the english muffin away and shoved it in his own mouth.

“Fine, don’t eat, not my fault if you pass out.” With a shrug Minho pulled a seat out from next to me and sat, taking a sip of orange juice from the spotty glass that most likely hadn’t been washed recently enough for someone to drink out of it.

Chan’s head perked up at the words ‘pass out’, he had become quite the connoisseur after multiple instances of overexertion and hurried trips to the hospital. He glanced around the room to see his group mates happily munching on their breakfasts, all except for the two, Hwang Hyunjin and me, Han Jisung. Hyunjin was a given, after spending so much time worrying about his image as a visual, Hyunjin had sworn off eating pretty much. After a while everyone had appeared to give up getting him to eat the 'most important meal of the day', even so, there was still always a meal placed in front of him in the mornings and an emptied glass of juice full of natural sugars, and that was enough for their leader, as long as Hyunjin had a nice meal for the other two, he was allowed to skip breakfast, if he started to lose too much weight, or started skipping other meals, that’s when the mama bear instincts would kick in, and no one wanted to see that again, not after that one time Hyunjin landed himself in the hospital, but we don’t really talk about that much.

“Jisung, you should eat something, you need to keep your energy up.” Chan said, pointing at the food like a strict father. I laughed a little at the thought and nodded, having no real intention to start or finish the food in front of me.

 

There’s never much talk in the morning’s so that means people finish up their eating pretty quickly, it also means that there’s way more room for my brain to swirl around and come up with ideas for how I could lose the extra pounds I had begun to pack on.

Then it hit me, like a comet. I could just ask Hyunjin, he’d gone through this before, the weight loss and subsequent maintenance. I knew it wouldn’t be healthy, nothing that lands you in the hospital ever is, but it would work, and that was all I really cared about at the moment. It would start with me skipping breakfast, and then maybe before lunch I could sneak for a run without anyone knowing, and after lunch I’d stay after to work harder on the dances. The plan was all coming together in my head and before I could stop it I already couldn’t wait to start.

This was going to be horrifically wonderful.


	2. Who's on Fire?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung kind of fucks up and needs Hyunjin to help him fix it.

It just seemed like too much of the perfect moment, Minho cuddling me into his chest, arm wrapped around me like always. A blanket pulled over our legs and my ear pressed tightly into him enough to hear his heartbeat. Disney was running through its top hits on the screen before us and legs intertwined like a rope in the most platonically romantic way possible. I guess I just had to ruin it.

 

“I think I’m going to stop eating breakfast, like Hyunjin.” I said think but I meant know, still, I was aware that I had to play it down, make it seem like it came from the top of my head, not like I had been thinking about it all day. It was almost an afterthought when I said Hyunjin, I should have been aware it would cause a bit of panic after what had happened. Maybe I wanted him to panic, just a little bit. Enough to show he cared.

 

“What? Why?” Minho asked, clicking the remote to pause the movie and untangling our legs so he could face me properly. I hadn’t expected him to ask me that, maybe for him to tell me not to or that I didn’t need to, I wouldn’t have listened of course, but still, certainly not that, the question felt too loaded, or maybe not loaded enough, maybe it was too simple and that was why the honest truth came blaring out my mouth before I could trap it in.

 

“Because I’m getting fat.” The words slipped out of my mouth, yet they seemed so final, so firm, it surprised even me, and I was the one who had to think of them. I probably would have started crying at the sudden admittance that my physique was not what it used to be if it hadn’t been for Minho’s eyes getting comically large, almost bulging out of his head.

 

“Jisung you have abs! Your legs are the size of twigs, honestly you give Hyunjin a run for his money and you saw what it almost cost for him to get there.” The fact that Minho even thought to compare my body to Hyunjin left me reeling for a second, so I was able to think the words out a bit more carefully.

 

“It can never hurt to look better for the fans hyung, and besides it doesn’t matter what’s underneath, I’m still looking kind of wide.” I admitted to him, I told him all the flaws in case he hadn’t noticed them himself. It seemed he hadn’t.

 

“That’s ridiculous Hannie, I don’t want to hear you say such things again, ok? You’re not fat, no where close. Now let's get back to the movie. I nodded, not wanting to start an argument with the boy I treasure most. Still, I knew then that it wouldn’t be easy, I thought he may have even been supportive a little bit, apparently not. Now I just had Minho wary of this diet I was trying, which meant I likely was going to have Chan and the others watching what I was doing soon, something I was not looking forward to. I had to stop the inevitable watchgaurding that would happen to me as it had happened to Hyunjin. Hyunjin. I had to talk to Hyunjin.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Hyunjin, as it turns out, was in the midst of a very deep nap when I sought him out. I was reluctant to bother him, but it was necessary, I had screwed up and I was desperate. After slightly nudging him only once the boy jolted awake, it almost made me nostalgic. He used to sleep so well.

 

“Hyunjin I need your help.” I said, watching the frail boy rub his eyes, just about ready to take a nose dive back into his pillow.

 

“Who’s on fire?” He asked and I chuckled dryly, I was in a rush and if I didn’t laugh at his lame joke then who knows how long we could have been there for.

 

“Ok so you know how you’re really skinny?” I asked, cringing at my words already. Who even says that! It’s awkward and weird. Whatever. I shook those thoughts away when Hyunjin nodded. “How’d you do that? You eat two square meals a day and I never see you exercise an excessive amount without the rest of us.” God I was sounding weirder and weirder by the second. Hyunjin thought for a moment, seeming to fall even deeper and deeper into his groggy sleep with every passing second.

 

“Just throw it up, or exercise in your room, no one will know. Took ‘em five months before I was trapped in the hospital, good luck, night night.” It felt wrong how easily Hyunjin fell asleep after telling me all that, it felt wrong that he said it so quickly, no dramatic pauses, no whispered words, anyone in the house could have heard if they were listening closely enough, but he was so tired he didn’t care. I wonder if he would have cared even if he was wide awake.

 

We were all horribly aware of Hyunjin’s ‘issues’ as Chan so delicately likes to call it, it was hard not to be after several nights spent in the waiting room of the hospital, wondering if our friend was going to make it through the night. Still, he had never directly told one of us what he did, not to my knowledge anyway. For a split second I wondered if I should go to Chan, or Woojin, let them know what Hyunjin had told me, with the boy’s past this information could be harmful if they didn’t address it. That thinking only lasted a minute before I realized doing so would be tattling on myself too. Hyunjin would be alright, he always was.

 

I made my way back to my room slowly, it was the middle of the day on a day off and it was likely that most of the group would be sleeping, I didn’t want to make any noise to disrupt that. Besides, the floorboards in that hallway often squeaked if you put too much weight on them, and that just so happened to be one of my least favorite sounds in the world.

 

I opened the door to see the back of the one and only Lee Minho in my bed, he was curled in on himself and I could already tell it was going to be one of THOSE days.

 

 

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you could tell yet but I'm going to TRY and post on Fridays. Write in the comments what you want to happen next! Thanks for reading!!!


	3. I Didn't Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahh things happen with Jisung and Minho

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, slowly inching myself closer to the bed as if he was a frightened animal I didn’t want to spook. In a way I guess he was. His head was so close to his knees I was worried for his spine, and the way his hands were shaking even when clutching the blanket next to him so tightly, it made me want to sprint out the door and never look back.

 

I took a step forward. He may have been trembling, but he was still my best friend and I needed to help him. I ignored how bitter the words sounded ringing through my head.

 

Minho shook his head and I knew it was because he didn’t want to hear his own voice crack, he didn’t want me to hear the emotion, thick in his throat. I wrapped my arms around the sweet boy. My sweet boy. No, not my boy, just a boy, that I didn’t like, in any way other than friends. As it should be.

 

He shivered under my touch and I wondered for a split second if maybe I wasn’t what he needed, wasn’t the touch he wanted. Panic raised like bile in my throat until a small groan slipped out Minho’s mouth in favor of a sob. He clawed at me, trying to pull me closer than physically possible. 

 

I carded my fingers through his soft hair, messy from being pressed into my chest. I allowed him to rack his body into my torso, sobs escaping from his mouth and immediately being muffled by his own hand, instinctively quieting himself as to not bother anyone else. I didn’t want to interrupt his seemingly much needed crying session but I felt the need to whisper into his ear that no one would mind. He was allowed to speak, allowed to make noise above a murmur. He wasn’t bothering anyone by simply existing.

 

I just let him cry, tears making rivers down his cheeks.

 

I waited until he was stable, sitting blankly leaned on my body, my arms the only thing holding him up. I knew he had to be exhausted but it appeared he had no interest in sleep or even lying down next to me on the bed. 

 

“Better?” I asked him, waiting for the always assured ‘yeah I’m good, thanks Sungie’ or ‘can I talk for a bit’ or even ‘I just want to sleep it off’. It never came.

 

“It’s so empty Sungie, it’s just so empty.” A fresh set of quiet sobs jerked his body from it’s previously calm state. I stared at him, terrified of the words leaving this jubilant boys lips. I just did what I could, I held him tighter than I ever thought I could hold someone, it was as if he might slip away if I loosened my grip enough for him to even breathe.

 

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice choked and weak, I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to think, “I’m sorry Minho, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” His fingers clung to my t-shirt, raking at the skin underneath, I was too worried to feel uncomfortable.

 

Minho harshly shook his head, tears flew like a wet dog shaking itself dry. He knocked his head, one, two, three times into my chest. Concerned for his rapidly decreasing brain cells I pushed my hand between the two for a bit of comfort, which ultimately led to me cupping the boy’s chin in between my pointer finger and thumb. He stared into my eyes, tears still streaming but sobs noticeably lessened.

 

“You fill the empty.” It was so quiet I could have easily mistaken it for anything else. I knew I didn’t. I brought my best friend, the words burned so deeply into my skin I would have doused my body in his tears if it would stop the pain, close to my lips. I grazed the top of his head sweetly, unsure of what was okay and what wasn’t. 

 

I wasn’t startled when I was jerked back with a set of lips connected to my own. He tasted like candy, I already knew he would, but the confirmation sent a swelling in my chest. I smiled into his tears and nipped at his lip. It was okay, we would be okay.

 

My best friend pulled away slowly, like he didn’t want to, the words hurt so much less than before. The burning still stung on my skin but it was bearable with the cool kiss of Minho to lessen the pain.

 

“Better?” I asked, my voice wavering nervously. I gulped and for some reason the idea of accidentally swallowing saliva that wasn’t my own sent anxious chills down my spine, I was too clean for something like that, I told myself a lie.

 

Minho clung tightly to me, his cheek smashed aggressively against the rough fabric of my shirt. He was panting but I was glad at least to see his lack of breath wasn’t from sobs. I still didn’t know the cause of his sudden meltdown but I could only hope it was behind him now. Instead it was me who had taken the boy’s breath away. The thought sent another chill down my spine, I didn’t mind it so much this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for typos or anything it's unedited and really bad, also meant to post it last night but I had a sports game until late so I couldn't so now I'm frantically rushing to put it up while listening to EXO and honestly if you don't leave after this good for you cause it's real shitty.


	4. It Didn't Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan tried his best to help out, he's really just out here trying his best.

I woke up alone the next morning, the sheets beside me open and cold. He left, like he always did. I couldn’t be sure why this time felt so different, like he should be here next to me, like there was something missing.

 

I told myself it didn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter. We were friends, good old Jisung and Minho. Just like we had always been. Why should now be any different. Why should a stupid decision made in a flurry of emotions change the dynamic of a friendship lasting years. 

 

I tried to drill it into my brain over and over and over again. My heart still ached with bitterness when I hoisted myself up off the bed.

 

I never left my room without making my bed in the morning, never. Today I simply didn’t have the energy to do anything but make sure my door was closed before I made my way downstairs. 

 

Each familiar step to the kitchen left my chest pounding a little more, each breathe brought skin tighter to the rough fabric of my shirt. I didn’t want to face them.

 

I didn’t want to look at Hyunjin, our precious Hyunjin. The same boy that left us waiting for hours in a hospital room, leaving us glad he was alive but disappointed that he wasn’t quite as ecstatic at the news. The very same Hyunjin that gave me advice on how exactly to execute the same dangerous act as he had. How to land myself with those same bags under his sad eyes that seemed to be characteristics of his now.

 

I didn’t want to face Chan glazing his eyes over me in disapproval when I did nothing more than pick at a few bites in my breakfast. He always told us the idol life was demanding, and that we needed breakfast as fuel for the day. He liked to leave out the part about Hyunjin clinging onto death that one time, it never left anyone’s mind for long as it was.

 

And most especially I didn’t want to see Minho. I didn’t want to feel his horrible glare boring into my back. I didn’t want to hear the accusations in his thoughts. I took advantage of him when he was weak, even if nothing ever happened more than a heated kiss. He was drunk on his own tears and I tried to mix with his emotions like a chemist. It wasn’t fair to either of us. I was already dreading it, how he was certain to pull me aside, not being able to even look me in the eye. He would certainly reject any romantic advances I would attempt, who wouldn’t be disgusted by me. The thing that feared me most, though, was the possibility he may just reject me as a person too. Would he say I wasn’t who he thought I was, that he could no longer be my friend. The thought itself sent my stomach twirling like a tornado.

 

No one looked up when I entered the kitchen, Chan focused on not staining the freshly cleaned counter with orange juice in his sluggish clumsiness, Minho staring into his half eaten bowl of cereal, Hyunjin glazing over the morning paper from two weeks earlier with his empty eyes.

 

I sat at the end of the table and rested my head in the crook of my elbow. Next to me sat Jeongin, his face in a bowl of what looked like oatmeal, his hair barely spared by a hair tie likely put in place by Woojin or Chan. On the other side was Felix, surprisingly enough he tended to mellow out a bit in the mornings, granted his Korean was a bit more accented, and his words a bit slurred, but Chan could always translate if necessary, and it was way better than a hyper Felix at seven AM.

 

Chan smiled when he sat down, he glanced at the empty space before me and his eyes turned a little darker, his brow a teensy bit heavier. An apple was chucked at my face and before I could react it hit me square in the nose. The only reaction was a small chuckle from Felix and a dazed smirk out of Hyunjin. I rubbed the bridge of my nose with one hand and flipped the apple over with the other.

 

Out of principal I knew Chan wouldn’t bring it up with the others there, no matter how dazed they were, and the rest of the day had one of their busy schedules to look forward to, so I just held on to that sliver of hope that he would completely forget and I could slither away unclaimed.

 

That is the exact opposite of what happened.

 

It was eleven at night when we got home that night, twelve before I was in bed, about to take Hyunjin’s advice and secretly exercise when the door creaked open, like a secret held in for too long. Blonde hair peeked through the small slit. 

 

“Jisung, can we talk for a minute?”

 

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

 

My head bobbed up and down before I could regain control of it. Chan found his way to my bedsheets, not questioning why I was curled up on the ground. My back found the edge of my bed and my head to Chan’s thigh. To most people it would probably seem odd, but Chan just took the hint and began working his fingers through my knotted hair. It was a few minutes before he actually spoke.

 

“I didn’t see you eat all day.” His first attack, it didn’t hit hard, there were so many easy ways out.

 

“Not much of an appetite.” That should have quelled any suspicions in a normal person, but we were talking about Chan here, and when it came to his members health, he was anything but normal.

 

“We had three dance classes.” His second attack, I could do no more than shrug, he had a very solid point. 

 

“After everything that happened you can at least do me the favor of not acting like I’m stupid Jisung.” His third attack. I like to pretend it was the drama with Minho the night before, or the exhaustion, or even the hunger that caused the pressure behind my eyes build, if only to save my pride than anything else.

 

“You’re not stupid.” I didn’t know what else to say, what else could I say. I hadn’t been as careful as I thought I was being, wasn’t as smart as I thought I would be. 

 

“I know,” It wasn’t a fourth attack, but rather a retreat, an opportunity, “I can schedule you an appointment with Hyunjin’s doctor if you want...if you need.” Chan made sure to correct himself and I wanted to applaud his efforts. No one would want that, and I certainly didn’t need it.

 

“I’m okay Chan, really, it was just a bad day, I promise.” The tears slipping from my eyes contradicted my words, but thankfully Chan let it slip. He brought me close, allowing me to take in the scent of whatever cologne he had on. 

 

“Alright Jisung, but, just so you know, I’m going to be watching, just to be safe, okay?” He tried his best, he really did. It wasn’t enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Tries to have an uploading schedule  
> Also Me: Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaahahhahahaha
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway I just wanted to mention that I don't really like using Korean honorifics in fics because it makes me feel a little weird seeing as I myself aren't Korean, so I don't do things like "Jisung-ie" or "hyung" or whatever, sorry if that makes the flow of dialogue seem a little off but if something really doesn't work let me know and I can try to fix it however else I can


	5. Listen to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho and Jisung make up, there's a small 'appearance' at the last line that could possibly be super triggering, nothing gruesome, just the ED voice, just thought I would warn you. It's literally the last line and the title sums it up. Stay safe!

Minho and I both knew that we couldn’t avoid what had happened, it was eating away at us, and therefore, at the group as well. No one could not notice the tension between us, the way we refused to even look at each other.

 

It must have seemed rather confusing to everyone, the inseparable boys suddenly wincing whenever their shoulders did a little more than brush gently. They tried their hardest to miss the pain carved into our features, the downward curve of a lip, the wrinkle in a brow, but the inevitable could only be denied for so long. No one wanted to bring it up first and neither of us wanted it to be brought up at all.

 

It wasn’t until Jeongin, assisted by Felix and Changbin, had the bright idea to lock us two in the stuffy broom closet at the end of the hall that we even managed to face each other. Curse those brilliant devils.

 

The awkward energy surrounding us was suffocating, I could feel my lungs crushing under the memory of his air. I wanted it so desperately, wanted him so desperately.

 

I wanted the soft hair lining his temples, wanted the plush skin on his lips, wanted the lithe way his fingers curled through mine on a bad night. I wanted but I could never have.

 

Unless he wanted me back.

 

Could he want me back.

 

“I’m sorry.” I don’t remember which one of us said it first, maybe we said it at the same time, our words crashing together, horribly reminiscent of cymbals cracking the sky.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” It was him, it was his light way of making every word out his mouth delightfully playful, so happy, how could I possibly be anything but jubilant in his presence. How?

 

“I kissed you.” It felt taboo, like something I could get in trouble for actually saying out loud. He didn’t seem offended by my words though, so I allowed them to hang for a bit. He nodded, the swish of his hair loud in the deafening quiet.

 

“I kissed you back.” He wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t that part that had bothering me. We had both committed that fatal sin, that sin of ruining our friendship forever, inconsolably so whichever way we ended up turning. 

 

“I want to do it again…” If the heavy oxygen held a little more buzz he wouldn’t have latched onto my words like he did. He wouldn’t have taken my filled cheeks in his hand, he wouldn’t have brushed the bangs from my eyes, he wouldn’t have lowered his face closer to mind, he wouldn’t have allowed his eyes to flutter shut, he wouldn’t have brush our lips together. But he did. So I'm so grateful it didn't.

 

It was slow and quickly over, done to reaffirm, not out of lust or any other young hormone. I leaned into him even after it was over, the pads of his fingertips pressing into my back. I hoped I wasn’t disgusting him like I disgusted myself.

 

“It’s always been you Jisung, you’re the one that’s always protected me from myself and here I am letting you worry over something as obvious as my feelings toward you. I’m sorry.” His eyelashes were long, it was always something I liked to point out to myself whenever I was close enough to notice it. Whenever I was lucky enough to.

 

“It’s not your fault, I ran from you and hid like a kid.” I could only chuckle to myself at the rhyme I knew I had made in english. It wasn’t two seconds before strong hands were around my shoulders, gripping me tight as if he was proud.

 

How strange, I hadn’t done anything to be proud of.

 

He frowned, I could feel the movement on my shoulder, the shifting of his facial muscles that I so honestly despised.

“You haven’t been eating.” My brain racked through every possible excuse I had used on the other members throughout the week and a half Minho and I were on no speaking terms exclusively. Then, it occurred to me, this wasn’t just anyone, this was Lee Minho, this was my Lee Minho, the one person who would understand me no matter what.

 

“Idol life, you know how it is,” I threw in an expertly maneuvered chuckle to lighten the once more threatening mood, “constant diets must be kicking my ass more than usual.” Minho’s eyes bore into me dangerously. I was right, he always understood me.

 

“Management never puts you on diets Sungie, they know the fans love your cheeks. Besides, this isn’t a diet, you’re just not eating.” I tensed, I didn’t know what to do, no one had brought it up, no one had even noticed. Stupid tears leaked from my stupid eyes before I even knew they were there.

 

“I’m sorry Minho,” it was the second time I had said it in that tiny ass closet, “I just want to be perfect!” I knew my bottom lip was quivering like a baby’s but I couldn’t get a hold of myself enough to stop it. Warm arms enveloped me and a tranquility set throughout my body like I had never felt before.

 

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, my head tucked under his chin, my back aching from bending over in such a way just for a bit of coddling. But I do know one thing, there was a faint twinge in the back of my head, and a small airy voice speaking to me.

 

‘You let him stop you from your goal, you’re weak, that’s it, no way around it. He just wants you fat to have all the fans to himself, you know it. Don’t listen to him…...Listen to me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short but it's an important chapter for a lot of reasons so I thought maybe shorter would be more impactful? I hope you enjoy, also if you leave a comment even if it's super nasty and you hate the story it still makes my day because I crave attention. Anywho....


	6. Such a Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi I have no respect for their actual room assignments, I'm doing what I want, this is fiction.

The voice didn’t come back for a bit, I had almost convinced myself I had simply imagined it. How amazing would that have been, to just be imagining the whole thing. I really believed that's what had happened too. That is, until it made another ill fated appearance. 

 

It wasn’t my fault that Minho had been staring at me the whole meal, making little rockets of joy spear through my hollowed stomach, it wasn’t my fault that he started the whole thing off with saying “you have to try some of this Jisung, it’s amazing.” It wasn’t my fault that I knew denying it would only bring the rest of the team on my tail for months, and it certainly wasn’t my fault that my starved tongue took relish in whatever simple calories it could find.

 

The voice seemed to think differently.

 

I first recognized it as my mother’s about three days after I heard it. I knew the soft lilts and gentle yet harsh scoldings were familiar, but my mind couldn’t quite land on where I had heard it. The realization made me sure of two things.

 

1) I needed to call my mother as soon as possible if I really couldn’t recognize her like that  
2) I could trust this voice

 

It told me to excuse myself to the bathroom. I wasn’t sure why at that point but it was my mother, so I listened. It told me to lock the door tight and twist the water knob so thick, loud streams of boiling water poured out. It told me to kneel in front of the toilet even if it hurts my knees. It told me to take the end of my toothbrush and…

 

...and like a fool I did.

 

My throat burned and my eyes stung but through some miracle I managed to feel better, lighter. I felt skinnier.

 

Then the voice told me to do something else.

 

‘The manager makes you keep a scale under the sink right?’ My mother’s soothing words felt like honey to my stubborn ears.

 

‘For evaluations, to make sure we don’t gain too much. We never use it though, Chan says it’s not good for us to worry about that sort of stuff, especially after what happened…” I felt myself thinking back to it as if it was a person and not just myself personified. It didn’t scare me at the moment, but it should have.

 

‘Take it out.’ 

 

I did. Like a fool. Like an absolute fool.

 

It took a couple seconds for me to figure out how to turn it on, it hadn’t been used since our last evaluation. Once I saw the number’s flashing in front of me I stilled.

 

‘This should upset you.’ Something my mother would say, something she has said.

 

It did, it did upset me, I wondered why I couldn’t be good enough. Why did I have to do this to myself, be so heavy and all this negative attention on to myself. This is why fan’s would comment, because I had never had the discipline to follow through and make a change in myself.

 

Never had someone to tell me what to do.

 

I flushed the toilet, turned off the water, put away the scale.

 

Everything would be okay. I would make it okay. The voice would make it okay.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

My bed had never seemed so comforting as when I was alone in it, a fresh notebook sprawled across my lap. Words tattooed the page but they felt free, not so permanent. I would always write when something was bothering me, and this was something.

 

I trusted you and you turned me into a fool  
I loved you but you couldn’t love me too  
There is no way  
Outta the maze  
That I’ve made for myself  
I never planned it out  
The way I would be now  
But still I wish you’d see   
I wish you could see me

And just  
Help me, help me, help me, help me love  
Please just   
Help me, help me, help me, help me love  
I wish you could  
Help me, help me, help me, help me love

Now that you’re here I know you will help me love

 

The rhythm played out in my head and I could hear it so loud and clear, feel the bass that Chan would put in the background, the synth he could layer and filter on top. I could see how other people could help it. I couldn’t see it as a hit.

 

The paper was crumpled and thrown in the trash without a second thought, the words didn’t leave my head the entire day.

 

It wasn’t until Changbin and Felix stumbled into the room, panting heavily and glaring at me with pity in their eyes that I tossed the notebook in a drawer and made my way into the hallway.

 

It wasn’t long before I saw someone in front of Hyunjin’s door as his room was just down the way from mine. A figure way hunched over himself, head leaning on the wood and hand resting on the handle, as if he was gathering the energy to open it.

 

Brown hair, soft lips, pale skin…

 

“Minho,” The figure looked up, confirming my suspicions, “what’re you doing?” He grinned sheepishly, almost looking embarrassed, like he was caught in the act.

 

“He didn’t eat dinner,” Minho gestured toward the room, “After you left and we were cleaning up Chan said he had to finish by the end of the night or else…” I understood why he wouldn’t want to finish that sentence. It was something we were all scared of. Whilst Hyunjin may have been a different story at home than he was on the stage, that didn’t mean he was any less our Hyunjin, our baby, even if he was in the middle regarding age. He was our Hyunjin. No one wanted to see him go.

 

I took the bowl of soup from his hands that I hadn’t noticed in my confusion.

 

“I’ll help.” I had to, he helped me with his ‘tips and tricks’, it was my turn to help him.

 

The door squeaked when we walked in and were instantly shrouded in a pale shadow. The only light was coming from the window beside him. I didn’t want to notice how much he looked like a hospital patient in that moment.

 

God, I was such a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just wanted to say that little beginning of a song there isn't from any actual song it's just something I came up with on the spot because I wanted to show how Jisung was starting to doubt himself. You can use it if you want, I have no clue what you would use it for besides the same thing, to show how skills are regressing but you can use it for that if you want. I just wanted to make sure people knew that Jisung didn't actually write something bad like that. Also please please please let me know if for next chapter you might want to see a flashback of what happened when Hyunjin was in the hospital and everything because I've been considering it but I wasn't really sure.


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